Not Amused
by IheartOakenshield193712
Summary: Kili, Bilbo, and Ori decided to play an evil trick on their lovers after a very loud, dwarfish celebration. Let's just say, the other three dwarfs are not impressed... Contains: Thilbo, Fili/Kili, and Dwalin/Ori
1. Jerks

**Short two-shot. Please enjoy! Warnings: Thilbo, Fili/Kili, and Dwalin/Ori**

* * *

"Hey, Kili!" Fili shouted from his seat in between Bofur and Nori. "Bring us another ale!"

Kili muttered under his breath as he stood to fetch his brother more ale. Bilbo glanced at the brunette dwarf as they stomped towards the barrel of ale; the young heir's behavior had Bilbo wondering if he and Fili had fought. When Kili returned, balancing three pints in his hand, he slammed the first pint exactly in front of Fili. Bilbo flinched at the sound the drink made when it hit the table, but Fili didn't seem to care; he was already too drunk to understand what Kili was trying to show him. After Kili gave Nori and Bofur theirs, he plopped back into his seat beside Bilbo and Ori, both of whom had curious expressions on their faces.

"Stupid dwarf," Kili muttered, glaring at Fili who guzzled down the ale in nearly one breath.

Bilbo sighed. The dwarfs of Erebor were celebrating their second anniversary in reclaiming the mountain from Smaug the Dragon, and now, the ten dwarfs were drinking as much ale as their stomachs could hold. The hobbit cringed at how much the dwarfs drank. Dwalin, Thorin, and Fili were all working on their fifth pint, while Nori, Bofur, and Dori held their second. Bombur had stuck with one pint, and Oin, Gloin, Balin only drank half of one. Bilbo, himself, hated the taste of just alcohol alone; he couldn't see how these dwarfs could drink ale... five pints to say the least. All Bilbo knew was that he would _not_ be kissing his king tonight; just the thought of kissing Thorin's hot, ale breath had the hobbit gagging.

"What are we going to do?" Ori asked when Dwalin and Fili got into an argument on who could drink more ales than the other.

_"We?"_ Kili snorted, leaning back into his chair. "There is no we."

Bilbo huffed. "Just because you and your brother had a fight, doesn't mean you get to take your anger out on _us!"_

Kili glared menacingly at the hobbit who stood his ground.

"If it hasn't crossed your _fluff-headed mind,"_ Bilbo said, getting up from his seat. "I have been the King's Consort for two years; I _know_ what it is like to be with a dwarf. Ori does too."

Ori sputtered for a mere minute before throwing his hands up in the air and resting against the back of his chair. "Fine," he said, defeated.

The young heir narrowed his eyes at Bilbo before the hobbit started walking back towards his and Thorin's chambers, not really wanting to stay if the other dwarfs kept drinking; he had had plenty of experience there. On his way out of the dining hall, Bilbo had caught Thorin's blue eyes though the dwarf king couldn't really focus on his face; the ale clouding his senses. Sighing again, Bilbo left the room quietly.

Kili, meanwhile, huffed and huffed at Bilbo and his brother for several minutes before the anger slowly left him. He stood and went in search of Bilbo. Ori, not wanting to be left alone, followed the young dwarf into the halls of Erebor.

* * *

Bilbo fell backwards onto the soft bed and closed his eyes for about two seconds before a knock came from the door. Groaning, he stood and flung the door open. "What?" he asked harshly, glowering at Kili. "Come to avenge your ego?"

Kili shook his head, hiding a small smirk. "Nope, dear Uncle Bilbo," he said fondly. "I have come because I want to get back at Fili for what he did."

"Oh?" Bilbo asked, stepping aside to let the two dwarfs enter. "And Ori?"

"Dwalin said some pretty harsh words to him a couple of days ago," Kili shrugged, and then ducked when Ori punched him. "Alright. Maybe nothing happened. Could you _just_ go along with it?"

"No," Ori answered. "No, I can't. But I _am_ interested in whatever you are going to do to Fili."

"Really?" Kili asked, facing the young scholar. "Bilbo? You in?"

Bilbo thought about it for a minute or two. Thorin had been busy running the kingdom, and he, himself, had small chores here and there throughout the library and their chambers. But they really hadn't spent 'alone' time together (just the casual walks together or the small kind gestures when they saw each other, but nothing serious)... maybe that was a good enough reason to punish Thorin... or whatever Kili was planning. "Alright," he agreed. "What's the plan?"


	2. Revenge

**I loved the reviews! Thanks! And changed it to a three-shot! For reasons...**

* * *

Bilbo smirked as Kili told him and Ori the plan, and the hobbit had to admit it was a very good plan. He knew that when drunk, dwarfs can sleep for a very long while so that would give them time to... make everything... presentable. All three waited patiently until the ruckus down in the dining hall quieted, then they made their move.

In the dining hall, Nori and Oin were stumbling back to their separate rooms while Bifur and Dori had themselves another pint of ale. According to Kili's plan, Bilbo had to sneak in the large room first in order to see if their route was clear. Once Nori and Oin stumbled through the double doors, Bilbo dashed into the dining hall and ducked behind the grand table as Dwalin walked... well staggered by. He held his breath as he was nearly caught by Fili. Blasted dwarfs! Thorin, on the other hand, looked rather solemn at the head of the table, too solemn for having been drinking all night. Bilbo crouched under the table, knowing the dwarf might take a while to leave.

"Thorin," Dwalin said, clapping the king on the shoulder. "Let's go. Fili's got a plan for ya."

Thorin grumbled and hugged his pint closer to him. "I do not need his plan; I can do it on my own."

"Yeah, but... seeing last year didn't go so well..."

Thorin abruptly stood, startling Dwalin who fell over in surprise. "Last year went _fine_!" he snarled, grabbing and downing the ale before stomping from the dining hall.

Bilbo let out a breath he had been holding in once Dwalin stood, thankfully not noticing him. Frowning at the conversation he had just heard, Bilbo scooted out from under the table and stood to head into the kitchen. "Bombur," he said, spying the fat dwarf next to the stove.

"Yes, Master Baggins?" Bombur asked, setting the pan of deer bones down.

Bilbo rolled his eyes. Ever since he had officially become the King's Consort, even the company had begun calling him 'Master Baggins'; it was _all_ rubbish.

"Do you think you and Bofur can help Kili, Ori, and I with something?" Bilbo asked in the most innocent voice he could muster, with an added smile to his face.

Bombur nodded. "Of course. Bofur!"

"What?" came the unusually droopy voice of the cheerful dwarf. "Let me be."

"Bilbo needs help," Bombur said, standing next to his brother who had his head on the table and a pint clutched in his hand. "Come on, get up."

Bofur grumbled.

"If he doesn't want to help," Bilbo began, "I have no problem in finding someone else."

"I'm up!" Bofur exclaimed, popping up from his stupor.

"Good," Bilbo said, hiding an evil smile. "Let's go then."

* * *

Bilbo, Bofur, and Bombur found Kili, Ori, Balin, and Gloin in the sitting room next to the dining hall, ready to carry out the plan.

"What exactly are we going to do?" Gloin asked, picking at his beard. "I do not fancy getting beheaded by Thorin if he finds out... if whatever you three are up to is really bad."

Kili shook his head and slung his arm around the dwarf. "Not to worry, Master Gloin. We will tell no one of this little... plan." He grinned as Bilbo handed him three large items. "Really?"

Bilbo nodded. "I thought it'd be a reminder of our quest..."

"Clever!" Ori exclaimed. "Are you sure they'll fit inside?"

"Not really, but I have something in mind," Bilbo answered, a mischievous grin on his face... courtesy of Kili.

Bofur, Bombur, Balin, and Gloin gaped at the items and began to protest.

"I thought you wanted to help us?" Bilbo asked with an innocent frown.

All four dwarfs reluctantly nodded and trudged behind Kili, Bilbo, and Ori as all seven climbed the stairs to the king's chambers.

* * *

Many hours passed and Bilbo, Kili, and Ori stifled laughter as they looked at their lovers that were lying on the floor of Thorin's chambers. Gloin, Balin, Bombur, and Bofur, on the other hand, stared in awe and horror at what the the hobbit and two dwarfs made them do.

"Is that it, Master Baggins?" Bombur said, his big eyes hopeful that he and the others were down.

Bilbo glanced at Kili who looked thoughtful for a moment before grinning like crazy with an idea of his own. "Kili?"

The young dwarf shook his head. "No, no. I'll save my plan for later. Go ahead."

"Ori?" Bilbo asked the scholar.

He shook his head as well. "I'm just here to see what happens, though I do have an idea."

"Alright," Bilbo breathed, clapping his hands together quietly. "Pile them on the bed. Put Thorin on the bottom."

Balin did a double-take. "What?"

"But Master Baggins," Bombur argued gently. "There is enough room for all three of them."

Bilbo nodded. "I know, but put Thorin on the bottom. Do it."

Kili began jumping up and down. "Yeah! And put Fili almost right on top of him! Then Dwalin on top of both!"

The four dwarfs obeyed and hefted their king, the heir, and the warrior on the bed, on top of each other. "Is that it... now?" Bofur asked, fear in his eyes that the three dwarfs might wake up.

"Yes," Bilbo said. "Perfect."

Bombur, Bofur, Gloin, and even Balin took no time in dashing out the door and running for their respective rooms.

Kili chuckled. "Wow, you sure scared them." He walked over to their lovers piled haphazardly, and painfully for Thorin, on the bed. He prodded Fili's nose for a minute or two before he was satisfied his brother wouldn't wake. Rolling up his sleeves, Kili ran his hands through Fili's blond locks.

"What are you doing?" Ori asked, coming to stand next to Kili.

"This," Kili answered, tugging and pulling out one of Fili's braid clasps. He put the metal clasp on the table next to the bed before undoing more of Fili's braids.

Ori grinned and scurried to the other side of the bed where he did the same thing to Dwalin. Bilbo smiled to himself but that smile vanished as he groaned.

"What is it, Uncle Bilbo?" Kili asked, running his hands through Fili's braidless mustache. He glanced up at the hobbit who had a look of 'why me?!' to him. The dwarf giggled once he realized what Bilbo was looking at. Thorin was in the middle of the bed, covered by Fili and Dwalin, and out of immediate reach; if Bilbo wanted to undo his husband's braids, he'd have to climb on top of all three dwarfs. "Good luck."

Bilbo grumbled and, very cautiously, put one knee onto the bed to make sure none would wake. Taking a deep breath, Bilbo climbed until he was seated on Thorin, alone, as much as he could without knocking Fili or Dwalin. Once here, he grabbed the two main braids and began undoing them.

A good twenty minutes passed until all braids were taken out of their lovers' hair. Kili and Ori stood back, satisfied with their work, while Bilbo itched to do something more to his dwarf. After a moment's contemplation, Bilbo climbed back on top of Thorin and took off the dwarf's wedding ring. The hobbit scooted off and put the ring in his pocket but not before Kili spotted it.

"Yes!" he exclaimed. He dashed over to Fili and took off his ring as well.

Ori didn't do anything since he and Dwalin weren't that far in their relationship. "Kili," he said when he saw Thorin shift. "They're waking up."

Kili backed away into the corner of the room, and Bilbo and Ori followed him. The three sat in chairs and waited for their lovers to wake.

* * *

**So, that's done. What do you think Bilbo had the dwarfs put in?... :O**


	3. Love

**Hahahaha, ahaha, haha, :D Here it is! Enjoy :) *still laughing in background*  
**

* * *

Thorin grumbled as he shifted and felt something heavy on his chest. He opened one eye and saw a blond head in front of his face. "What the hell?" he managed out in a drunken growl. He glanced to his left and saw the bald-ish head of Dwalin. He grumbled to himself as he thought of the previous night; the drunken night. "Never get drunk again," he mumbled harshly and missed the giggles in the corner of the room. "Get off, Fili!" He made a move to sit up and push his nephew off him but found his movement restricted. Frustration getting to him about this set-up, Thorin glanced down at himself and realized why he couldn't move.

A large potato sack.

His mouth formed a gasp but no sound came out. He couldn't believe what he was in. He shifted and breathed a sigh of relief when he felt himself still clothed. "What the hell happened?" he grumbled.

"What?" Fili croaked, opening his eyes.

"Fili," Thorin growled. "Get off!"

"I'm not on you," the blond answered. "_You_ get off!"

"Shut up," Dwalin mumbled, shifting and squishing Thorin causing the dwarf king to let out a very unmajestic yelp. "What the f-"

"Get off me!" Thorin demanded, trying to move.

"Why are we here?" Fili asked to no one in particular.

"I do not know!" Thorin exclaimed. "Now, Fili. My nephew," he said calmly. "GET OFF ME!"

"Why am I even on you?" Fili asked and Thorin growled through his nose.

"Yes, I agree," Dwalin added.

Thorin had just about had enough with dwarfs. With his mouth, he grabbed a chunk of the sack in his mouth and began tugging on the material. He made grunting noises as he did which drew Fili and Dwalin's attention towards him.

"What're you doing?" Fili asked, frowning at his uncle's actions.

"Twying... to... tay... this... thwing... hoff..." Thorin managed with a mouthful of cloth that tasted like potatoes. He continued to tug and pull at the sack then stopped mid-grunt when he heard snickering from within the room; he let go of the material and huffed angrily. "Kili!"

"Kili?!" Fili shouted, struggling into a sitting position (which made Thorin wince, cringe, and growl) then glaring at his lover. "What in Durin's name is going on?!"

"You're not 'Uncle', are you?" Kili spat. The young dwarf shoved Fili back down onto the bed, stopping Thorin's effort to escape.

"Kili..." Thorin rasped out after having the air knocked out of him. "What...?"

Fili struggled into a sitting position again, much to Thorin's major discomfort especially when Fili elbowed his _sensitive_ parts... "Kili! Tell us what happened."

"Well, Uncle," Kili began, ignoring his brother and speaking to Thorin who was recovering from the horrible pain that Fili had cause a few seconds ago. "This is what happens when you three get drunk." Kili flinched when Bilbo elbowed his side. "Together," he added quickly.

"Bilbo?!" Fili exclaimed. "Ori?!" He shook his head and laughed lightly at Dwalin and Thorin. "Your lovers have plotted against you..."

Out of nowhere, Thorin came to his senses and with one grunt, he sat upright, winced at the lingering pain in his dwarfhood, and glared at Bilbo who was fighting to cover a smile. "Bilbo Baggins," he growled. "What did you do?"

Dwalin laughed and winked at Ori who blushed. "So much for your perfect-"

Thorin kicked the dwarf's leg hard which then caused the bed to shake and Fili to fall back... onto Thorin, who was not at all happy. "Bilbo..." he whined, getting crushed by his heavy nephew again. "Help..."

Bilbo snickered as Thorin tried to push Fili upright.

"Wait, Uncle," Fili said, struggling to rid his hands free from the sack. "I think I got it."

"Sure you do," the king grumbled before using all his might to push Fili off the bed. After hearing the satisfying 'Oof!' that Fili made, Thorin, too, began to struggle in getting his arms out of the potato sack. While struggling, he failed to notice that Dwalin and Ori had gone from the room, leaving the sack behind. He grumbled all the more when he saw the potato sack Dwalin had on the floor beside the door. Twisting and turning, Thorin desperately tried to free himself as fast as he could. He didn't get far when Fili popped out of his and chased after Kili who had stormed out of the room moments before. "That is not fair..." he grumbled to himself as he rolled over onto his stomach to get better leverage. His struggles got him as far as having his shoulders out before he noticed his hair. He let out a gasp as he noticed all his braids were gone. "B-Bilbo...?"

"Yes, Thorin?" Bilbo answered, sitting on the bed beside his husband.

"My b-braids..." he replied slowly. "What h-happened to them?"

Bilbo shrugged and Thorin looked completely hurt; he smiled and leaned over to assure his husband. "I undid them. Do you mind?"

Thorin breathed a sigh of relief. "As long as you will put them back."

"I promise," Bilbo answered, nuzzling Thorin's nose before the dwarf went back to fighting with the potato sack. He watched with amusement as Thorin's fight with the material went on for a few more minutes before the hobbit asked, "Do you need help?"

"No," Thorin grumbled, trying to squeeze his way out of the sack which caused him to nearly fall off the bed.

"Are you alright?" Bilbo asked, reaching for the dwarf as he started to roll off. "Here," he said, moving Thorin back to the center of the bed. "Let me help."

Thorin growled but Bilbo climbed on the bed nonetheless; he knew Thorin would never actually hurt him. The hobbit sat on top of the dwarf king, straddling his husband's powerful thighs as he bent to unlace the potato sack. His thin fingers moved across Thorin's shoulders as he slid the sack down; those subtle movements sent blood down south inside Thorin whose eyes burned with lust for his hobbit. Bilbo shifted and sat on Thorin's ankles in order to get the material down to his husband's legs. He smothered a grin as his hands brushed over his lover's clothed arousal. "Having fun are we?" he asked, evilly smirking at Thorin.

Thorin remained silent as he freely moved his arms. "Bilbo..." he whined again, noticing his rings were gone. "What-"

"They're on the bedside table," he answered with an easy smile. "But don't move; I'm not done."

"But I can-"

"Hush," Bilbo shushed him. "Let me finish."

Thorin grumbled but remained where he was. He closed his eyes as he felt his husband's hands continue to touch his skin and set off sparks of pleasure within him. Suddenly, he felt Bilbo's warmth leave him, and he opened his eyes in time to see his hobbit turn around and fling the potato sack from his ankles. He sighed in the relief of having that suffocating _thing_ off him and glanced at Bilbo who smiled at him. "What?" he asked, smiling at his husband.

Bilbo shook his head and rolled off the bed. "Nothing," he said, sitting down on a chair by the wall.

Thorin sat up, looked down, and was relieved to know that he was in his small-clothes and not anything else. "So," he began, standing up and stretching. "What the heck happened last night?"

"Nothing," Bilbo answered, picking up a book. "Just some revenge, that's all."

"Revenge?" Thorin asked, pulling a chair close to his hobbit. "Why?"

Bilbo shrugged. "I don't really know," he replied as Thorin pried the book out of his hands. "Kili and Fili had a fight." He smiled as Thorin nodded and leaned forward to begin pressing light kisses to Bilbo's neck. "It was his idea... What are you doing?" Bilbo asked, playfully swatting Thorin's face away. "Stop..."

"No," Thorin answered, grinning mischievously. "I will not... my dear... halfling... because you... started it..." he answered between kisses. "Let me... take you... to... bed..."

A giggle found its way to Bilbo's throat as Thorin's beard tickled a sensitive spot on his neck. "Thorin..." he giggled, and the dwarf king chuckled. "Honey, I-"

Thorin pulled back for a brief second before Bilbo stood up and collided with him as their lips locked in the most passionate kiss Thorin had ever experienced. He wasn't sure what happened next, all he knew was that Kili and Fili were going to die... soon...

Bilbo let out an embarrassed squeak, as he only wore his briefs, when Kili charged in the room with a pleading Fili following him. Thorin let out a dangerous growl that had both young dwarfs stop in their tracks.

"Oh," Kili said, his eyes widening as he accidentally glanced at Thorin's arousal, now bulging out of his briefs. "Oh, you're busy... I see... Um, sorry..." Kili gulped as his uncle took one step towards him. "We'll just... take our argument... somewhere else... then... BYE!" Kili exclaimed before dashing out the door with Fili hot on his heels, still pleading.

Thorin faced Bilbo again with a soft smile on his face. "I am sorry," he apologized, his eyes pleading Bilbo to forgive his immature nephews.

Bilbo shook his head and Thorin felt his heart sink.

"First our anniversary," Thorin said. "Now this..."

Bilbo frowned. "What are you talking about?" he asked, snaking his arms around his bare-chested dwarf. "Did you forget about our anniversary?"

Thorin shook his head. "Of course not," he answered. "I just wanted to do something for you that would be better than last year's."

"Thorin," Bilbo said sternly, placing both hands on the side of his lover's face and making him look into his eyes. "Last year was wonderful. Did you feel like it wasn't?"

The dwarf nodded and Bilbo smiled, gently placing a loving kiss to Thorin's lips. "Everyone told me I could have done better..."

"I don't think so," Bilbo replied. "I loved it." He grinned and hugged Thorin tightly. "I am still wearing it aren't I?"

Thorin nodded and kissed the mithril ear cuff that hugged Bilbo's tiny pointed ear. "I love you," he whispered; his hot breath sending shivers down Bilbo's spine. "Why don't we finish what we started?"

Bilbo smiled and met Thorin's lips for a luxurious kiss. When he pulled back he grinned again; Thorin raised an eyebrow. "So."

"So?"

"Did you have parasites?" he laughed, kissing Thorin's neck. "Or were you planning on getting skinned?"

"No thanks to you," Thorin growled playfully, nipping at Bilbo's soft flesh. He chuckled as Bilbo giggled again. "Happy anniversary, my love."

* * *

**I had to write this story because i just love the scene where Thorin is tugging on the sack when they are first caught :) I just think he is sooo hot when he does that! (i put that part in :D) Hope you all enjoyed reading! as always! XD!**


	4. Lovers

**Fili/Kili! The story felt incomplete without a little Durincest! So here we are and this is the for sure Final Chapter! :D At least I think... Enjoy!**

* * *

"I'm still mad at you," Kili said, folding his arms across his chest as he sat up in bed and glowered at Fili who folded his shirt over a chair by the fire.

"I know," Fili replied with an easy smirk, sliding into bed beside Kili. "Why, may I ask?"

Kili huffed and scowled at his brother. "Why do you think?" he spat, swatting Fili's hand away from his pants.

"Because of the argument between us and Dori and Nori," Fili answered, sure of himself then upon seeing Kili's scowl deepen, he second guessed himself. "Isn't it?"

"Oh-I-You-But-Of course not!" Kili exclaimed. "You... You... You! You forgot about... US!" He let out a loud 'ugh' sound and turned on his side away from Fili. "I cannot believe it! Someone like Uncle would forget about stuff like that, but YOU!" Kili angrily pushed Fili's hand off his hip and made an effort to scoot as far away as he possibly could from his brother. "You forgot about our... our... our special day together!" Kili said, raising his voice that had become laced with tears as one large one rolled down his cheek. "Y-you promised me..."

Fili sighed and the smirk that was once on his face, was now replaced with a pained look. "I'm sorry, Kii," he apologized, cautiously laying an arm around his lover. "The celebration and helping Uncle think of an anniversary gift for Bilbo..."

"When you should have been thinking of one for me," Kili mumbled.

"I know Kii, and I'm so sorry," Fili apologized again. "Turn and let me make it up to you."

Kili fought for a few seconds before giving in and allowing Fili to turn him onto his back. "This doesn't change anything."

Fili smiled. "What would change it then?" He leaned forward and pressed tiny kisses to his lover's jawline. "What could I do... to... make things... better?" he asked between kisses.

The brunette fought to hide his giddy smile as he tried to remain stern with his brother. "Well," he began, a bit unsure of what he was to say. "For starters, you could stop distracting me-"

"But... you like... it," Fili said, taking a patch of skin and threading it between his teeth. He smirked evilly as Kili moaned and tried to pull away. "Let me... pleasure... you..."

"Ungh, n-no," Kili groaned, flicking his eyes at Fili whose green eyes glowed with pure desire for his mate. "S-stop..."

Fili's smirk grew into a grin. "Why should I...?"

"'Cause, I c-can't..."

"Can't what?" Fili whispered into his ear. "Let me hear you."

Kili licked his own lips before crushing them against Fili's salty lips. His eyes closed as he enjoyed this brilliant moment between he and his lover, relishing the feeling of Fili's teeth biting his own tongue and his brother's rough hands grasping his brown locks with both great fierce and gentle seduction. He gasped into Fili's mouth as his lover pressed against him, already hard and throbbing with need. Using his hands, Kili found the buckle to Fili's breeches, and with soft hands, he slid the garment from his mate's hips and threw it off the bed. He let out a small giggle as Fili grunted in response.

"Grrr," Fili said after pulling away from Kili's mouth. "You'll have to finish what you started..."

"That I can do," Kili said, the argument earlier forgotten as he flipped Fili onto his back and sunk down to his lover's member.


End file.
